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Let Us Separate Gently…

Written by Holly M. Hohlbein Friday, 11 March 2011 18:16

“Let there be no quarrel between us for we were once family; let us
separate gently; if one goes north, may the other go south; if one goes
east, may the other go west. May your house be your house, and may my
house be my house, and may strife and contentions not rule our hearts."

 One of the reasons marital separation is so difficult is because the conflict is between people who once loved each other enough to make a family and a life together.    When that love ends for one or both, the potential is high for things to go south (not in a good way).   One thing you can do to counteract that is to stay as much as possible with your own intention to “separate gently.”  By “separating gently” I do not mean giving in to others’ demands, or agreeing to things that don’t take care of your priorities.   It is not “gentle” to make agreements that will cause you to be resentful and angry for years to come!  What I mean is that although you will each be living separate lives, strife and contention are optional.  If you are clear about your own goals and willing to make space for your spouse to “go a different direction” without unnecessary strife and contention,  you’ll save money and emotional wear and tear on everyone, especially your children if you have any.   In the process, you’ll honor yourself and your spouse.  That’s what “separating gently” looks like to me.  What does it look like to you?  Now go towards that.

A Smile a Day...

Written by Holly M. Hohlbein Monday, 05 October 2009 00:00

Not long ago, my daughter received a fancy new iPod as a gift.  Her “old” iPod was pretty primitive by modern standards: 300 songs; some simple games; the current time.  Her new iPod is like a space station: it has “apps” whatever the heck those are; a couple of million songs; and a daily “quote of the day” for inspiration.  I usually complain that my children’s electronic toys are going to turn them into helpless automatons without an original thought between them.  But this time, I was wrong. 

 

A week or so ago, my daughter took her daily quote literally, and ran with it.  It was something about when you are sad in life, make a list of things that make you smile.  So she undertook to list 1,000 things that make her smile.  She just finished her list last night.  And it is a blockbuster.  To start with, she hand-wrote it in a rainbow of gel-pen colors and numbered each one.  It covers 42 pages (she plans to tack them to her ceiling as wallpaper)!  And it contains more warm and fuzzies than puppies (#44); pandas (#424)  and babies (#109) put together.  Here are some of my favorites:

 

#270. Snow on bare branches in the woods

#425.  Cute sneezes

#560.  The word “epic”

#58.    People with good intentions

#780.  Rhode Island [There’s a story there; it’s the only state that made the smile list]

#314. Tea

#913. Being on your way to somewhere new

#665. Secret identities

#601. Del Taco

#171. Perfect lighting

#747. Entertaining waiters that make you want to tip

#910. Comfy shoes

#361. Freedom fighters

#965. Good listeners

#61.   Scented sunscreen

#405. Cliffs

#814. Not having to be the one to clean up confetti

#169. Harmless mistakes

#196. Welcoming arms

#895. Looking on the bright side

#110. Old couples [I think she means me and her dad, but I didn’t want to ask]

#304. Adults who think they are children [I think that’s us, too]

#213. Pokemon, particularly Charmander

#755. Pillows that look like junk food

#233. Colored duct tape

#428. Starry eyed surprise

#287. Hawaiian (the language)

#790. Rekindled friendships

#714. Good dreams

#12.   I’m single [she’s 14; I really don’t want to speculate what this means…]

#300. Fog

#261. Hilarious coincidences

#160. Singing along to music with your friends

#870. Space aliens

#32.   I have people I can trust with anything

#24.   We have a house

#2.     I have the best Mom ever [I swear I didn’t make this one up]

#176. Funky furniture

#732. Flamingos

#347  Dresses that make me feel pretty

#430. Brownies

#515  Apologies

#747. Getting a home run

#811. Laughing at yourself

#810. Looking back

#993. Bonfires

 

Wow!  This is a list for anyone who ever had a bad day; bad news; a crying jag.  If you read just one per day, you'd have nearly 3 years of smiles.  So now I am totally rethinking my narrow view of kids and technology.  Maybe it actually compliments their creativity rather than replacing it.  Either that, or she’s angling for an iPhone…

Don’t I Know You?

Written by Holly M. Hohlbein Tuesday, 24 March 2009 22:24

Adversity introduces a man to himself   -Anonymous 

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In these trying times, it’s important to look for what gifts there are.  Scarcity can lead to innovation.  Fear can invite action.  And hard times can, surprisingly, reveal someone we’ve known all along but haven’t really seen. 

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Have you ever recognized yourself in someone or something?  There’s the “Aha” moment when you say “hey, that’s ME!”  It might be a particular gift or trait that you have, an experience you’ve been through and identify with, or a principle or value that you hold (or don’t).  There’s something wonderfully affirming about seeing yourself.  The life paths that we take, the people we love or are loved by, the daily choices we opt for all define who we really are and what is deeply important to us.  How well do your choices represent YOU?  Is there a “realignment” that needs to happen for you to be the most you that you can be?  Tough times that cause us to re-think things can be used to our advantage.  Cultivate the strengths they reveal in yourself and others.  Have faith that everything changes, even bad times.  Who knows?  Just around the corner, you may run into someone you know…

Silver is the New Gold

Written by Holly M. Hohlbein Thursday, 18 September 2008 19:04

 “Can we talk about clouds and the silver lining thing?” my daughter asked me recently.  She is my middle child: quiet and reflective; a deeply profound thinker, trying to stand out without getting noticed.  “OK” I said, because I love her questions.  (She once asked me “What’s the most perfect thing you’ve ever seen?” Not the most beautiful or the most amazing.  The most perfect.    I wanted to say “you” but I held back because I have three kids and they are a 3-way tie for my most perfect.).  “I don’t get the silver lining thing at all.  Clouds are puffy and white and beautiful and make cool shapes in the sky.  The ones that have a silver lining, isn’t that because they have become rain clouds?”   “Um, yeah” I said, not sure where she was going.  “Well then it doesn’t make any sense. The silver lining is supposed to be the good part that goes with something bad, right?  But the silver lining of a cloud is the bad part of something good.”  I thought about it. “Maybe the people that thought that saying up had a different reality then we do.  Say, if they were farmers.  When clouds blocked the sun from their crops that was bad, but the silver lining meant rain and that was good.” “Hmm…maybe” she said, unconvinced, as she walked away to ponder other adult contradictions.  I couldn’t stop thinking about the idea that things aren’t always so easily categorized as “good” or “bad.”  It depends a lot on context.  If you start with the premise that things just are, then you might surprise yourself with how you look at them differently.  Try switching the labels on “good” and “bad” and see how it shifts your thinking.   Re-framing our thoughts can be a powerful way to shake out our dusty old way of doing things and bring us fresh insight.  Clouds.  Silver linings.  Perfection.  What’s your frame?

One step at a time!!!!

Written by Maggie M. Wyer Friday, 12 September 2008 17:17

I had occasion to assist a former client in getting a certified copy of a court document she needed.  She had utilized the collaborative process in early 2007.  So there was time for her reflection on the process and how it works.  We discussed how the collaborative process was assisting her and her former spouse with the raising of their precious child.  I complimented this wonderful woman, stating how impressed I was that she and her former spouse were doing things differently in resolving their conflicts.  What a gift to give your child!!!!   I told this client she should pat herself on the back---that her one step at a time in negotiating/resolving her conflicts with her spouse is just the beginning of raising awareness that conflict can be reached at the negotiating table, not in the battle arena. 

The Power of "Now!"

Written by Holly M. Hohlbein Saturday, 24 May 2008 02:02

 

Though I love Eckhart Tolle’s spiritual masterpiece, this post is not about that.  It is about a split-second difference that makes all the difference.  I want to talk about how to be powerful when you are powerless. 

So much in a divorce is out of your control.  You can’t stop it from happening.  You can’t control the other person.  You can’t make the pain go away.  You can’t help but worry about your kids, the future, and your very survival.  There is so much that you didn’t ask for and don’t want! 

Some people get so stuck in the powerlessness that they sink into despair.  Others “rage against the machine” and exhaust themselves fighting against the inexorable tide.  Happily, there is a third alternative.  You might be surprised to hear the answer: Go Fly a Kite. 

Yes, a kite.  Every child quickly learns that if you want your kite to fly, you must wait and watch patiently for just the right moment.  If you try to throw the kite up when there is no wind, it will fall instantly back to earth.  If you run with the kite you will soon tire unless there is wind to help take it skyward.  What you must do is be aware and alert to what you cannot control, so that you can use it powerfully in service of what you want.

The power is in the awareness of the moment.  While you are waiting and watching, you can be mending your kite, or adding length to its tail, or otherwise readying it for when the gust of wind does come.  In that split-second of gust is the power of “NOW!”

When you feel the despair or exhaustion of powerlessness, that is your cue.  At that moment, begin to know that you are truly powerful.  Try accepting what you can’t control.  See if new possibilities open up.  Tend yourself.  Watch for wind.  BE POWERFUL.

Healing

Written by Maggie M. Wyer Tuesday, 06 May 2008 00:00

- Healing 

The process of healing---not easy to deal with those demons, but what a wonderful gift to pass on to those we love.

It has been a process to heal from the way I was brought up and change those old behaviors.  In healing those old wounds and breaking the cycle, I have occasion to observe this healing process in the way my daughters mother their two wonderful babies.  I am absolutely amazed at the beauty of those that I cherish most in this world interact with their offspring.  The patience my daughters show when playing with their child, listening to them, choosing their child over crazy, addictive behavior. 

What a wonderful gift to pass on to my grandchildren, Abby and Zach.

Start with Yourself

Written by Maggie M. Wyer Wednesday, 20 June 2007 00:00

"The first step in learning to respond more effectively to others is to learn to respond more effectively to myself."
Taken from A Courage to Change

When you respond to yourself out of fear, confusion and anger, you negate yourself, reinforcing negative behavior.
When you respond to yourself with love, caring and respect, you teach yourself a valuable lesson--you are deserving of love, caring and respect.

Now you can respond more effectively to others, from the best part of you, your hear, out of love, caring and respect.

The Little Voice Inside You

Written by Maggie M. Wyer Monday, 21 May 2007 00:00

Listen!

"The intellect has little to do on the road to discovery. There comes a leap in consciousness, call it intuition or what you will, and the solution comes to you and you don't know how or why." - Albert Einstein from Courage to Change

Listen to the little voice inside you --- it will guide you on the road to discovery -- of you!!

Artistry

Written by Maggie M. Wyer Thursday, 08 February 2007 00:00

You are an artist.
"An artist is merely someone with good listening skills who accesses the creative energy of the Universe to bring forth something on the material plane that wasn't here before.
Each time you experience the new, you become receptive to inspiration. Each time you try something different, you let the Universe know you are listening. Trust your instincts. Believe your yearnings are blessings. Respect your creative urges."
Each and every time you listen to your heart and soul, you access your creative energy to bring forth a shift in your vision. Sometimes for the good, and sometimes the bad, but only because of the fear of the unknown.
"Trust your instincts." You are on the right path---it is not supposed to be easy and each one of us is different.